Warning! This post goes a little bit lovingly woowoo :)
Is there a part of yourself that you hate? A section of you that you fear will raise its head? Yes, hate is a strong word, but let's be honest now.
Do you have a part of yourself that you hate? I have.
That was hard for me to admit because I don't hate anything. There is no room for hate in my life. Instead of 'hating' I try:
- to understand with compassion,
- to see from another point of view,
- to see through the filter of another person's experience,
and then to express my opinion and persuade if I feel strongly enough. Ultimately I try to accept others and to let go and let live.
I have no control over other people. I can only change myself (haha, yes, this is frustrating on occasion - I'm only human after all!).
Anyways, back to the hate I have towards a part of me. That part is ANXIETY.
I've come to understand it from many different sides and now see it as the desperate Wake Up Call to live the life I was born to live that I truly needed to stand up and pay attention.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut. I hate how it makes me feel when it rears its head.
In those moments that it wells up in my chest, I hate.
When I fear the world going dark again, I hate.
When it lifts my heart rate and I go into fight or flight mode, I hate.
When it narrows my perspective, I hate.
When I lose my connection to who I know I can be, I hate.
When I feel the world is hopeless, I hate.
When I feel constant fear, I hate.
When feeling some of those, ahem, not so lovely things above the other day I went for a run and chanted to myself, "I am strong, healthy and happy in body, mind and soul." and then again, "I am strong, healthy and happy in body, mind and soul" and again and again and again and again and again and again.
It didn't quite connect at the time.
Next I went to yoga for the first time in months. I went through the motions of moving and breathing, trying to focus my distracted mind on the simple (and strenuous!) flow. It felt good to move my body and channel cleansing breath to the stagnant corners of my being.
Finally laying down in Savasana, I was trying to sit with (or ignore - I couldn't decide which would be better) the anxious fear sensations in my chest.
A thought popped into my head: Send it love.
I'm willing to try anything in those uncomfortable moments, so I did.
I visualised the anxiety as a ball of dark cloud residing in my chest and I told it it was loved.
I felt the fear and told it it was loved.
I saw the darkness and told it it was loved.
I felt the hopelessness and told it it was loved.
I felt and repeated "You are loved"
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
(Oh my god, big tears are falling as I write this and my flatmate is coming downstairs to watch X-factor at any moment now...)
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
And I felt overwhelming love and compassion for that part of me. Laying there on the mat, in a room full of yogis, I silently cried for the acceptance it felt, for the overwhelming love it finally was receiving. From it being a hated, unwanted, feared, and loathed part of me it had turned into something that I was giving love to.
It felt the love. It felt it so truly and so deeply. So it let go and transformed.
What part of yourself do you hate? Can you tell it is is loved?
Make it as you wish SSSs.
You are loved.
Feel it.
